It was the Big Ten’s worst nightmare when it announced the new nine-week schedule in September.
An annoying upstart like Indiana lands a straight-flush on the flop, after its games against Penn State, Ohio State and Wisconsin are canceled due to COVID-19.
Awash in good fortune, the lucky Hoosiers sit alone atop the Big Ten East with a 5-0 mark after the league’s financial darling, the Buckeyes, stumbled while enduring their full and unfair eight-game gauntlet.
The solution was simple.
Make sure Indiana, and all the other bottom-feeders that should simply be grateful to play in the Big Ten, can’t avoid the traditional conference powers.
Yes, sure, IU gets all the bounces from time-to-time, and stumbles into a win over a has-been power like Nebraska.
A broken clock is right twice a day, you know.
But this is Big Ten football people.
Obviously the Hoosiers aren’t going to beat Penn State, Michigan, Michigan State and Wisconsin in the same season. That just isn’t going to happen — ever. To suggest otherwise is sheer lunacy.
Just look at those names. The Nittany Lions, the Wolverines, the Spartans and the Badgers. They ooze college football superiority. Unadulterated royalty, I tell you.
There is a natural order to things in the Big Ten. Indiana only exists to be the annual whipping boy. A mere tune-up game for Penn State, Michigan, Michigan State and Wisconsin — before they themselves become a tune-up game for Ohio State.
What the hell is a Hoosier anyway?
This is a name on the front of your jersey, uh, business. We Are, THE, traditional powers, and you will bow to us.
And if you have any questions about any of this, just ask the enlightened folks over at the College Football Playoff committee. Or is it the Knights of the Round Table?
Indiana cannot pose a problem. They will not pose a problem. And if they do pose a problem, we’ll see to it that they don’t. The Big Ten already has its team in the CFP, and we don’t need some other low-ratings pest mucking things up for the rest of the power five elites.
Do you see how this works?
So the Big Ten concocted a rule when it published its third schedule for the 2020 season. Yes third, because, well, the Big Ten hasn’t been very good at much of anything since July.
“A team must play at least six games to be considered for participation in the championship game.”
Aha! Yes! Let’s see you qualify now, adorable little Indiana.
Just get in line and take your beatings from our kings. Or opt-out. We don’t really care.
No amount of your disgusting loving all over each other will get you to the Big Ten championship game now!
This is football after all, not love. We have traditions. We have rules.
And we have Ohio $tate!
“But what if Ohio State doesn’t play six games?”
Who are you? How dare you! Bow to the King! Off with his head!
So naïve. So simple.
We don’t need no stinking rules.
Rules are made to be broken.
Sit down and shut up Indiana, as you collect your Big Ten Network revenue generated by our power programs.
Just say thanks as you take your Ohio State rations….and go about your day.
You do want that New Year’s Six bowl game, right?
Just be quiet Indiana, and go love on each other, or whatever it is you do.
You are lucky to be here.
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